I always thought he was so cool and collected, hovering over the survivors like a god-man, dangling meat in front of hungry people who want to have the man himself for supper, and I don’t mean as a dinner guest. He’s unaffected by their hungry glares.
Standing by while contestants stretch and struggle in challenges, revealing plumbers’ cracks or runaway pop-out breasts affects Jeff not in the least. Okay, you and I see the editor’s blurry pixel patches, but Jeff sees all, taking it with bravery and aplomb. Crazy things happen every day on Survivor–people burn themselves with fire or forests of fungus grow in their privates, boats capsize, winds blow, rains pour and floods overrun camp. All this, and Jeff remains stoic and dignified.
But it happened. Someone finally broke Jeff’s stiff demeanor, sending his jaw crashing to the dirt floor. Billy did it. The burly metal musician, part-time wrestler, the most unimpressive man ever on Survivor.
His tribe threw the challenge so they could go to tribal council and evict him. It looked like an easy plan, a boring plan even to get rid of a boring man. But Billy had a surprise in his pocket. He shocked the bejesus out of Jeff Probst and the rest of America, by stating he and Candice (from another tribe) were in love. WTF? Those were Jeff”s thoughts, too. WTF? So unexpected! So surprising! So weird! Everyone looked around, searching for an answer…sort of like when your dog gets knocked up and you don’t know which neighbor pooch did it. You think and think, “Did Rover next door ever go near her?” Did Billy ever go near Candice?
Well, Mark Burnett must have hit the floor running to search for clues from miles of videotape. He did find something.
Set up: Latinos have just come in last in the immunity challenge; they must soon go to Tribal Council. Billy speaks to Candice who stands near him.
Billy: I’m the next to go. They’re going to vote me out.
Candice: We love you.
Billy: I love you, too.
Voila! But was it true love? Are they Survivor Romeo and Juliet from warring families? I can’t wait until Jeff can get to Candice to ask WTF? Alas, as a side note, Billy did get voted out. All is lost for the star-crossed lovers. They may never meet again except in Billy’s dreams.
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