Jo Janoski\’s Blog

Writings, Observations, Poetry, Stories

Titanic Easy Access (Convention Center) February 28, 2007

Filed under: Local Humor — jojanoski @ 10:06 am

Titanic Easy Access (Convention Center)
Just kidding. I hope everyone will go to the upcoming Home & Garden Show
and support the exhibitors there. It’s a Burgh thing.

 


Convention Center
Drop-down easy-access ramps
From one floor to next
Brought to you by Titanic
Speedy Breakthrough Industries.

 

Quick delivery
While our bolts get the shivers
Sending you flying
To your destination zone
With bells on and some fractures

 

We are Titanic
Speedy Convention Center
Ride our ramps for thrills
And spills to be remembered
But hey, we get you there quick!

 

Big Ben Goes Christmas Shopping December 7, 2006

Filed under: Local Humor — jojanoski @ 9:20 am

Big Ben Goes Christmas Shopping

The scene, Kauferrr, I mean Macy’s Department Store , Christmastime, decorations abounding. Big Ben wanders the perfume aisles, shoulders hunched, dragging his feet.

BB: Sigh!

Perky Perfume Sales Girl: Sigh!

BB: Huh? What are you sighing about?

PPSG: You! You’re Big Ben! Oh my Gawd!

BB: Huh?

PPSG: I mean, like, you are my big football hero!

BB: Oh yeah, sure! Hero…

PPSG: Well, you are!

BB: Do you realize how many times I’ve been sacked this season?

PPSG: I don’t actually know much about football…sacked? Oh! Do you mean been to the sack? Oh, ‘been’ and ‘Ben’ — sounds the same. ‘Ben to the sack’–tee hee. Like with a chick?

BB: NO! It means…well, never mind. I’m not proud of it.

PPSG: Oh…it must be the stress of the game, you know…causing your…what do they call it…dys…dys…oh, these big words.

BB: I don’t have a dysfunction!

PPSG: Sure, honey! But it happens to every guy once in a while…

BB: [Shrugs his shoulders] Look, I’m here to do some Christmas shopping.

PPSG: Oh shoot! If you’re in the perfume aisle, you must already have a girl friend.

BB: I’m not here to shop for my girl friend. I’m here to shop for my team mates.

PPSG: Huh?

BB: Well, they’ve been going for pedicures and were in a fashion show , so I thought maybe they were exploring their feminine sides.

PPSG: Are you sure football players would want perfume?

BB: I dunno. Maybe if you have one called Trash Talk or Scream for Joey Porter or Affection for Coach Cowher?

PPSG: Maybe some aftershave?

BB: I don’t think so. Too manly for these guys! Maybe if we’d win more games. For now, it’s pedicures and fashion shows. Sigh!

PPSG: It’ll get better, big guy! [Grabs his hand and flits eyes flirtatiously, then lets go of his hand] Oh!

BB: What’s wrong?

PPSG: Your hand! Look at those cuticles! The thumb!

BB: Huh?

PPSG: You, my dear man, need a manicure.

BB: Hmmmm, maybe a pedicure, too, and a facial, and maybe get something waxed…[curtail falls…a good thing, too!]

Copyright 2006 JO Janoski

 

A New Name for Da Burgh? November 23, 2006

Filed under: Local Humor — jojanoski @ 12:40 pm

Allacksusmohio…hmmm.

Not Quite Right!

 

Big Ben and Coach Bill, Shave! October 31, 2006

Filed under: In The News,Local Humor — jojanoski @ 8:30 pm

Big Ben and Coach Bill, Shave!

Two and five, they stink.
Where’s our world-class football team?
Has their luck run out?
Perhaps they’re fresh out of steam?
Did they lose their skill?
Maybe forgot to practice?
I do not think so.
We know why their game’s amiss.
It’s those ugly beards!
Goatee-pointy devil chins!
Big Ben and Coach Bill
With devil beards, Satan-grins.
Mephistopheles
Brings no good luck to a team.
That damned bad devil
Letting loose Hell’s black hot steam.
Shave those beards now, guys!
Before our season is toast.
All burned to a crisp
From your steamy devil host.
Shave! Before it’s too late. Shave!

Copyright 2006 JO Janoski

 

The Joey Porter Kiss–He’ll Kiss You! Get out! September 8, 2006

Filed under: Local Humor — jojanoski @ 10:54 pm

He’ll kiss you! Get out! (The Joey Porter Kiss)

Just for fun–a kyoka –a Japanese fun poem
Syllables per line – 5. 7. 5. 7. 7, rhyming not necessary.

A touchdown can do
strange things to a linebacker.
His heart fills with love
and the first good man he sees
he plants a kiss on his neck.

Not like a vampire
more like a woman in love.
There’s no bloodsucking.
It’s just a kiss, don’t you see,
Just man to man, wild and free.

Men, run like the wind
if a linebacker comes close
and gives you a smile
and nods after a touchdown.
He’ll kiss you! Get out! Get out!

Affection runs wild.
That’s how it was for Joey.
A touchdown starts it.
He spied a man, Coach Cowher
and slop-kissed him on the neck.

A wet juicy kiss
slurpy, burpy, splatter-kiss.
Bill liked it too much.
They say vampires were jealous,
wanting Cowher for their own.

So if a touchdown
is scored by a linebacker
whose name is Joey
don’t praise his interception.
Run away. Run like the wind.

Copyright 2006 JO Janoski



Blogged with Flock

 

SALUTE TO BIG BEN’S THUMB ;) August 20, 2006

Filed under: Local Humor — jojanoski @ 9:19 pm

Big Ben injured his thumb on August 16, one of many such instances. I wish he wouldn’t do that! That darned thumb is so important, I thought I’d write some poetry about it.  (Maybe I had too much time on my hands today…)


Ben’s Thumb

Just a pudgy digit
on a most important hand.
The one that throws footballs
in Hines Ward’s arms to land.

That pudgy thumb is mighty.
And it is so very strong.
It helps Ben hold the football
to throw it nice and long.

Steeler fan am I, yessir!
And I really must profess
Ben, take care of that thumb
or passing will be a mess.

It won’t fly! It will die!
That ball will hit the dust.
If you hurt your pudgy thumb
the game will be a bust.

 

So please, dear Ben, take care
of that important thumb.
No smashing, no trashing,
Don’t do nuttin’ dumb.

 

We need the thumb, we need it.
That digit on game day.
No more scares like last week.
Let’s let that digit play!

 

Salute to …
Ben’s Thumb

(Cinquain)

Ben’s Thumb
mighty digit
grasps footballs, makes them fly.
We lift our Iron City’s high.
Salute.

Ninesquare Ben’s Thumb

 

Thumb of jazz, smash, great fling of high fly
Skillfully, pointedly fascinates.
Ben looking, Ben thinking, thumb throwing.

Ball flies like bat out of hell for sure
Skywardly, amazing speediness
Next landing, is received, with panache.

What a thumb, what a guy, what a team!
Dominate, subjugate. Captivate!
Thumb magic, Ben digit, go Steelers!

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2006 JO Janoski

 

 

More Burgh Dreams July 16, 2006

Filed under: In The News,Local Humor — jojanoski @ 10:31 pm

Wouldn’t you know it? I was dreaming about Burgh Media last night again. This time, I dreamt I was sitting in at Big Ben’s news conference:

Big Ben: Hi , everyone! I wanted to hold this press conference to assure you all I’m feeling good and should be back to football in the fall.

Press: Ben, how did it feel to have an accident like that?

BB: Huh? Well, it hurt. It hurt a lot.

Press: I mean, were you sad? Afraid? Confused?

BB: Huh? …Next question.

Press: Ben, do you feel you are as handsome now as you were before?

BB: PittGirl thinks so.

Press: Have you been sleeping well?

BB: Huh? Well, yes, I guess.

Press: Are you eating okay?

BB: Well, yeah. What’s going on…

Press: BEN! Did you eat your vegetables last night?

BB: Did I eat…Hey, doesn’t anyone here have any questions about football?

Press: No. Too boring. Ben, how did it feel to break the law by not wearing your helmet and with an expired learner’s permit?

BB: Look, I want you to understand I didn’t know I was breaking the law. I forgot to wear my helmet. Normally, I wear my helmet.

Press: Ben, when did you last wear it?

BB: What?

Press: Your helmet, Ben, when did you last wear it?

BB: Ummm, my memory’s a little off since the accident. I’ll have to get back to you on that. To get back to what I was saying, I wanted everyone to know I hope to be back at training camp in the fall…

Press: Ben, will you be riding your motorcycle to camp?

BB: I don’t know. I wanted to emphasize there was no harm done to my head or legs, and my throwing arm is pretty darned impressive, so I’m ready for camp.

Voice in the Crowd: Ben, are you sure? About the arm, I mean.

BB: Tommy Maddix? Is that you?

Voice: No, man! Oops, gotta go! See ya!

BB: That sure looked like Tommy Maddix.

Press: Who cares? Do you have a girl friend, Ben?

BB: Who wants to know?

Press: America wants to know, Ben.

BB: I’m not telling.

Press: Okay, well, then what’s your favorite food?

BB: My favorite food? What is this?

Press: If you were a tree, what kind of a tree would you be?

BB: What? This press conference is over. [Storms from the podium]

Voice in crowd: Psst, what did he say about his arm? Is it good?

Press: Tommy Maddix, what’s your favorite vegetable?

Voice: AHHHHH, let me out of here.

Press: You guys want to go to Starbucks for a latte?

[Screen goes blank]

Your lucky day: More

Copyright 2006 JO Janoski