Jo Janoski\’s Blog

Writings, Observations, Poetry, Stories

To Serve and Protect February 7, 2007

Filed under: Humor — jojanoski @ 9:07 am

To Serve and Protect

We’ve been having arctic temperatures in Pittsburgh this week, and once again the local news has jumped in to serve and protect us from ourselves.

Perky Newsperson: Another arctic blast is heading for the Burgh, but we’re here to get you through it. We have a number of experts on hand to help you keep warm and alive during these trying times.

Co-Anchor: Wow! That’s awesome!

Perky: Yes! First up, we have Rachel Reporter in the field with Stan the mechanic on the North Side. Can you hear me, Rachel?

[Rachel appears in split screen with Perky]

Rachel: Thank you, Perky! Stan is here with some good advice to keep you safe on these frigid winter days. What do you suggest, Stan?

Stan: Have a good strong battery, snow tires, and keep a blanket in the car.

Rachel: Great! And where can we get all that?

Stan: At the store.

Rachel: Gee, that’s a lot to remember, but we’ll try. Expert advice from Stan the Mechanic here on the North Side! Back to you, Perky.

Perky: Thanks Rachel! I’ve never would have thought of snow tires.

Co-Anchor: Me neither. Who knew?

Perky: Now, with wind chills of 20-below, here is Dr. Frost in the studio with us with advice on how to deal with the cold. Dr. Frost, how do we keep ourselves safe and warm in this weather?

Frost: Well, now, Perky, it’s all pretty complicated, but we’ve broken it down to three steps–head, hands, and feet. The first thing to remember is you have 50% loss of body warmth through your head, so wear a hat.

Perky: Really! Oh, this is good advice!

Frost: Also, keep your nose and ears covered or you risk frostbite!

Perky: Frostbite? What is that?

Frost: Well, the skin turns red and tingly, and it hurts pretty bad. Also, steps 2 and 3, you need to keep your hands and feet covered.

Perky: Keep your hands covered? You mean, like, wear gloves!

Frost: Yep, gloves would do it, shoes and socks, too.

Perky: Excellent advice! I’m taking notes. Thank you so much, Doctor! And now, some on-the-street interviews with Joe Reporter. Hi, Joe!

[Joe on split-screen with Perky]

Joe: Hi, Perky! Well, we’ve been out on the street all afternoon asking people what they think of the cold.

[Video of Joe stalking the streets with a microphone]

Joe: Hey, what do you think of this weather?

Passerby: It’s freakin‘ cold, man!

Passerby2: Brrr.

Passerby 3: You gonna drink all that hot coffee?

[End video]

Joe: Well, there you have it, Perky! Some strong feelings about this weather.

Perky: Thanks, Joe! When we come back–What about your pets? Should you bring them in during the cold spell? Some good advice from Big Bird coming up!


2 Responses to “To Serve and Protect”

  1. ozymandiaz Says:

    ah, news for stupid people

  2. Bob Says:

    Sounds like they might want to turn that air conditioning off, too. But, they probably couldn’t get a HVAC guy to get up that early to explain it to us. And what about some car tips, like how we should probably scrape the windows and turn the heater and defroster on? How are people going to get to work without knowing that they need to turn on their windshield wipers? Hmmmm? Yea, and what about a mechanic? What if someone doesn’t understand the thing about putting the gas in the spot towards the back of the car (not under the hood, although there’s stuff that should be checked up there, as well)…

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