Big Ben Goes Christmas Shopping
The scene, Kauf…errr, I mean Macy’s Department Store , Christmastime, decorations abounding. Big Ben wanders the perfume aisles, shoulders hunched, dragging his feet.
Perky Perfume Sales Girl: Sigh!
BB: Huh? What are you sighing about?
PPSG: You! You’re Big Ben! Oh my Gawd!
PPSG: I mean, like, you are my big football hero!
BB: Oh yeah, sure! Hero…
PPSG: Well, you are!
BB: Do you realize how many times I’ve been sacked this season?
PPSG: I don’t actually know much about football…sacked? Oh! Do you mean been to the sack? Oh, ‘been’ and ‘Ben’ — sounds the same. ‘Ben to the sack’–tee hee. Like with a chick?
BB: NO! It means…well, never mind. I’m not proud of it.
PPSG: Oh…it must be the stress of the game, you know…causing your…what do they call it…dys…dys…oh, these big words.
BB: I don’t have a dysfunction!
PPSG: Sure, honey! But it happens to every guy once in a while…
BB: [Shrugs his shoulders] Look, I’m here to do some Christmas shopping.
PPSG: Oh shoot! If you’re in the perfume aisle, you must already have a girl friend.
BB: I’m not here to shop for my girl friend. I’m here to shop for my team mates.
PPSG: Are you sure football players would want perfume?
PPSG: Maybe some aftershave?
BB: I don’t think so. Too manly for these guys! Maybe if we’d win more games. For now, it’s pedicures and fashion shows. Sigh!
PPSG: It’ll get better, big guy! [Grabs his hand and flits eyes flirtatiously, then lets go of his hand] Oh!
BB: What’s wrong?
PPSG: Your hand! Look at those cuticles! The thumb!
PPSG: You, my dear man, need a manicure.
BB: Hmmmm, maybe a pedicure, too, and a facial, and maybe get something waxed…[curtail falls…a good thing, too!]
Copyright 2006 JO Janoski