Jo Janoski\’s Blog

Writings, Observations, Poetry, Stories

Big Ben Goes Christmas Shopping December 7, 2006

Filed under: Local Humor — jojanoski @ 9:20 am

Big Ben Goes Christmas Shopping

The scene, Kauferrr, I mean Macy’s Department Store , Christmastime, decorations abounding. Big Ben wanders the perfume aisles, shoulders hunched, dragging his feet.

BB: Sigh!

Perky Perfume Sales Girl: Sigh!

BB: Huh? What are you sighing about?

PPSG: You! You’re Big Ben! Oh my Gawd!

BB: Huh?

PPSG: I mean, like, you are my big football hero!

BB: Oh yeah, sure! Hero…

PPSG: Well, you are!

BB: Do you realize how many times I’ve been sacked this season?

PPSG: I don’t actually know much about football…sacked? Oh! Do you mean been to the sack? Oh, ‘been’ and ‘Ben’ — sounds the same. ‘Ben to the sack’–tee hee. Like with a chick?

BB: NO! It means…well, never mind. I’m not proud of it.

PPSG: Oh…it must be the stress of the game, you know…causing your…what do they call it…dys…dys…oh, these big words.

BB: I don’t have a dysfunction!

PPSG: Sure, honey! But it happens to every guy once in a while…

BB: [Shrugs his shoulders] Look, I’m here to do some Christmas shopping.

PPSG: Oh shoot! If you’re in the perfume aisle, you must already have a girl friend.

BB: I’m not here to shop for my girl friend. I’m here to shop for my team mates.

PPSG: Huh?

BB: Well, they’ve been going for pedicures and were in a fashion show , so I thought maybe they were exploring their feminine sides.

PPSG: Are you sure football players would want perfume?

BB: I dunno. Maybe if you have one called Trash Talk or Scream for Joey Porter or Affection for Coach Cowher?

PPSG: Maybe some aftershave?

BB: I don’t think so. Too manly for these guys! Maybe if we’d win more games. For now, it’s pedicures and fashion shows. Sigh!

PPSG: It’ll get better, big guy! [Grabs his hand and flits eyes flirtatiously, then lets go of his hand] Oh!

BB: What’s wrong?

PPSG: Your hand! Look at those cuticles! The thumb!

BB: Huh?

PPSG: You, my dear man, need a manicure.

BB: Hmmmm, maybe a pedicure, too, and a facial, and maybe get something waxed…[curtail falls…a good thing, too!]

Copyright 2006 JO Janoski


5 Responses to “Big Ben Goes Christmas Shopping”

  1. Bob Says:

    I’m sure the Steelers are going to love your characterization of their ‘feminine side’. The idea of a 320-pound defensive lineman getting a pedicure is a little more than my sensibilities can consider. Ha! Good one, Jo…

  2. jojanoski Says:

    It’s true! I saw Hines Ward getting one on the news. It was a story about Mike Logan’s salon, Fahrenheit 212, where all the Steelers go to pamper themselves. If you look at the video on the page the link to pedicures above, you’ll see Steelers getting manicures.

  3. Bob Says:

    Well, there you have it. Proof that life, as we know it, is in its final days. Thank Gawd Vince Lombardi didn’t live long enough to see it. Ha!

  4. I thought about my cousin who was a jock, but he would do buisness with the avon lady. buying stuff for his girlfriend.

  5. I think Bob said it best… Reminds me of the panty hose commercials…

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