Jo Janoski\’s Blog

Writings, Observations, Poetry, Stories

My TV Dreams Are At It Again! September 27, 2006

Filed under: Humor — jojanoski @ 8:21 am

Wouldn’t you know it? I went to sleep after eating chili and had this dream!

A cooking show, “Dishing It Up,” starring celebrities from far and wide. Tonight’s guest cooks are about to come on stage.

Scene: TV kitchen. Pots, pans, utensils laid out. Music plays “Hail to the Chief”–Dubya emerges from backstage decked out in a red chef’s apron and hat.

W: “Hi Everybody! Most days I’m your President, but this afternoon I’m here to do some cookin‘ for ya…Texas style! And now I’d like to welcome my kitchen helper, another president from some very sorry days gone by, Bill Clinton.”

[Former President Clinton appears from behind the refrigerator, wiping red smudges off his cheek.]

BC: “Hi there, everybody! What were you saying in my introduction, Dubya. I was…uh…distracted.”

W: “I was saying what a good president ya were. Here, put on this apron.”

[Clinton eyes the garment and steps back in disgust]

BC: “I can’t wear that! It’s RED!”

W: “Yeah, so?”

BC: “Now, look here, Dubya. Just because me and your daddy are friends, that don’t mean you can push me around like I was your little brother or something.”

W: “Little brother! Oh m’Gawd!”

BC: “I mean I’m from a blue state, and there’s no way I’m wearing red. The very idea. That dog don’t hunt.”

W: “Okay. Okay. Let’s just get on with this. [He motions to stage hand to get BC a blue apron] Today we’re gonna make Texas Chili…” [Leans forward, sticking his face into the camera] “…because I’m from Texas.”

BC: “Don’t you think you should make something that doesn’t use beef. I mean Al Gore says we need to be concerned about global warming, and cows, you know, the flatulence, the ozone…”

W: “I don’t give a damn about cow farts! Texas chili uses beef. Steak, to be exact, do ya hear me?”

BC: “Easy Dubya. I’ll tell Daddy you’re picking on me.”

W: [Ignores Clinton] “Now as ya can see, I’m browning this meat like it’s been nuked good, the browner, the better. We’ll show it no mercy.” [Leans over the skillet smiling happily]

BC: “Figures. You Republicans are all alike–mean-spirited war mongers, always ready to nuke someone. I remember Reagan…”

W: “Are ya expectin‘ me to negotiate with this beef? How do ya negotinegochaTALK TO dead farm animals?”

BC: “You don’t talk to them that much. You just give them foreign aid and send in peace keepers.”

W: “How are ya gonna have peace when you’re feeding money to wolves hidin‘ in the barnyard?”

BC: “Huh? Look! Your beef is burning!”

W: “Ah, nuked really well. Now I’m going to put in some onions and cook ’em til they’re tender and some red peppers…oh, and chili powder and cumin.” [He sprinkles spices liberally…well not “liberally” in the political sense…well, you understand]

BC: “Cumin and chili powder with peppers and onions? Oooooeee! That’s some weapons of mass destruction!”

W: “What?”

BC: “Weapons of mass destruction. You know…oh, wait…maybe you don’t know…since you never found any.”

W: “Them’s fightin‘ words, Clinton!”

BC: “Fightin‘ words? Yeah, that’s kinda stale–you’ve already been at war for the last five years!”

W: “There were weapons! We just didn’t find them. They got moved to Syria. Hey! At least I did something!”

BC: “Oh no! You’re not going to accuse me of not doing enough. Did Chris Wallace put you up to that?”

W: “NO! I’m not accusin‘ ya. History speaks for itself!”

BC: “Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Gimme that spoon! You wanna see history. I’m taking over this chili pot. I’ll show you some history.”

W: “Oh no, you’re not! Ya had yer turn on last week’s cooking program. Now it’s my turn!”

BC: “I did not. Hillary stood beside me and stirred all the pots. Now it’s my turn!”

W: “Is not!!!”

BC: “Is so!!!”

W: “IS NOT!!!”

BC: “IS SO! I’m stirring this chili. Gimme that spoon.”

W: “Pop told me I could be President now…errr, I mean, stir the chili now.”

BC: “Oh, all right. I’ll just wait til it’s Hillary’s turn and stir it then. Let me taste it at least.”

W: “Okay, here, open yer mouth.”

BC: “Don’t burn me now!…..OUCH!! It’s hot!”

W: “Temperature hot, or spicy hot? Like an Arkansas guy would know the difference.”

BC: “I know the difference. It’s spicy hot! You need to cool it down a little…like we need to cool down global temperatures.”

W: “Oh phooey! Hot chili is just the nature of things. Ya liberals are always trying to manipulate us. What are ya gonna do…tax hot chili so we eat it less?”

BC: “Well, if it cools down your breath, aren’t we helping you?”

W: “Why don’t ya just let us keep our money and JUST ASK US NOT TO EAT HOT CHILI?”

BC: “We can’t trust you to do that.”


BC: “We take that money and give it to people who don’t have any chili at all.”

W: “Well, they might have got it on their own if ya didn’t pay them not to.”

BC: “Would not!”

W: “Would too!”

BC: “Would NOT!”

W: “Would TOO…hey, listen! Does it seem quiet in here?”

BC: “Yeah, I don’t hear any audience noises, do you?”

[Dubya walks out to edge of stage stretching to look out past the lights]

W: “Oh m’Gawd! The audience is gone!”

BC: “Yeah, and the cameramen and crew. We’re alone here, Dubya.”

W: “Well, what do ya know about that? Ha! Ha! I guess they got sick of a couple old presidents shootin‘ the breeze, eh?”

BC: “It appears so. Let’s go home. I heard your Momma Barb is making Texas chili, and hers is good.”

W: “Yeah. Why don’t ya stay over? Ya can use the spare room again. I think the maid stored yer Inflatable Monica in the closet. Just don’t tell Momma about it.”

BC: “Okay. Hillary won’t miss me. She never does. Oh, and Dubya…”

W: “Yeah?”

BC: “It’s my turn to stir the chili.”

Copyright 2006 JO Janoski

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2 Responses to “My TV Dreams Are At It Again!”

  1. ozymandiaz Says:

    You should try staying awake…

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