Punxy Phil April 16, 2007
Carbolic Smoke Ball: PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL FOUND FACE-DOWN IN POOL OF BLOOD
YES!!!!!!! I’m doing the happy dance around his dead body!
Colonoscopes Stolen! April 2, 2007
Check out this newspaper story…
Colonoscopes Being Stolen!
And now, a
Kyoka (crazy poem or limerick)
[Disclaimer: Just having a little fun.
I heartily recommend regular exams,
having lost both parents to
colon cancer.]
No More Colonoscopies
Who has taken them?
Endoscopes pilfered!
But wait! No more tests!
Many thanks to those kind thieves!
No more colonoscopies!
Happy happy day!
I won’t be a hand puppet,
weird entertainment
for my GI doctor man.
No more colonoscopies!
Black market madness!
They’ve stolen the endoscopes!
Thank you, thank you, thanks!
Look for them on ebay soon.
No more colonoscopies!
Buckshot in a Tight Spot February 10, 2007
Billy the Blogging Poet has given me this topic–Buckshot in a Tight
Spot–to write an Exploding Dog Poem. Here goes:
Buckshot in a Tight Spot
(An Exploding Dog Poem for Billy)
Buckshot in a Tight Spot
Oh me! Oh my!
Got it where sun don’t shine!
Poor soul am I!
Cannot sit! Cannot f*rt!
What should I do?
Buckshot in a Tight Spot!
How will I poo?
I might explode, you know.
Such a pity!
Exploding dog poems
Less one ditty.
Mushroom cloud of lost words
For all to see.
Pure annihilation.
Buckshot got me.
Copyright 2006 JO Janoski
To Serve and Protect February 7, 2007
To Serve and Protect
We’ve been having arctic temperatures in Pittsburgh this week, and once again the local news has jumped in to serve and protect us from ourselves.
Perky Newsperson: Another arctic blast is heading for the Burgh, but we’re here to get you through it. We have a number of experts on hand to help you keep warm and alive during these trying times.
Co-Anchor: Wow! That’s awesome!
Perky: Yes! First up, we have Rachel Reporter in the field with Stan the mechanic on the North Side. Can you hear me, Rachel?
[Rachel appears in split screen with Perky]
Rachel: Thank you, Perky! Stan is here with some good advice to keep you safe on these frigid winter days. What do you suggest, Stan?
Stan: Have a good strong battery, snow tires, and keep a blanket in the car.
Rachel: Great! And where can we get all that?
Stan: At the store.
Rachel: Gee, that’s a lot to remember, but we’ll try. Expert advice from Stan the Mechanic here on the North Side! Back to you, Perky.
Perky: Thanks Rachel! I’ve never would have thought of snow tires.
Co-Anchor: Me neither. Who knew?
Perky: Now, with wind chills of 20-below, here is Dr. Frost in the studio with us with advice on how to deal with the cold. Dr. Frost, how do we keep ourselves safe and warm in this weather?
Frost: Well, now, Perky, it’s all pretty complicated, but we’ve broken it down to three steps–head, hands, and feet. The first thing to remember is you have 50% loss of body warmth through your head, so wear a hat.
Perky: Really! Oh, this is good advice!
Frost: Also, keep your nose and ears covered or you risk frostbite!
Perky: Frostbite? What is that?
Frost: Well, the skin turns red and tingly, and it hurts pretty bad. Also, steps 2 and 3, you need to keep your hands and feet covered.
Perky: Keep your hands covered? You mean, like, wear gloves!
Frost: Yep, gloves would do it, shoes and socks, too.
Perky: Excellent advice! I’m taking notes. Thank you so much, Doctor! And now, some on-the-street interviews with Joe Reporter. Hi, Joe!
[Joe on split-screen with Perky]
Joe: Hi, Perky! Well, we’ve been out on the street all afternoon asking people what they think of the cold.
[Video of Joe stalking the streets with a microphone]
Joe: Hey, what do you think of this weather?
Passerby: It’s freakin‘ cold, man!
Passerby2: Brrr.
Passerby 3: You gonna drink all that hot coffee?
[End video]
Joe: Well, there you have it, Perky! Some strong feelings about this weather.
Perky: Thanks, Joe! When we come back–What about your pets? Should you bring them in during the cold spell? Some good advice from Big Bird coming up!
-end-
BOOM! There goes my brain! November 4, 2006
Election Haiku
Part 2
Part 1
Help! No more phone calls!
They all call me, one by one.
Begging for my vote.
Crying, pleading, oh!
Senators, Congressmen, too!
Famous and not so.
Make them stop, please, please!
My line is always busy
with politicians.
Yak, yak, Senators!
House members, double yak, yak.
My head might explode!
Family can’t call.
Busy signal makes them run.
BOOM! There goes my brain!
Copyright 2006 JO Janoski
(While suffering from election fatigue)
Election Haiku (The story, short version) November 3, 2006
Election Haiku
(The story, short version)
November seven.
I’m so sick of commercials.
Please come soon! Please come!
Dirty ads galore.
Can there be a good man left?
Apparently not.
Debates, debaters.
Too rehearsed, nothing ex temp.
They’re wasting my time.
Answer the question.
Give it to me straight and real.
Ooops! Am I dreaming?
Election day comes.
Press the buttons, get it done.
Do it already!
Numbers come too close.
Outrage! Take results to court.
Recount, count again.
Buggy-eyed counters.
No chads this time, just ‘puters.
Oh sure! That will work!
Help! Help! Worse this time.
No news but election news.
Twenty-four seven.
Will computers tell?
Who gets to run the country?
Certainly not us.
Will it ever stop?
Election goes on and on.
What next? Supreme Court?
One or the other.
Republican/Democrat.
Certainly not us.
Copyright 2006 JO Janoski
News Hound - Katie Couric October 4, 2006
A kyoka is a poem like a limerick that makes fun of politicians or events.
Syllables: 5, 7, 5, 7, 7. Rhyming is not necessary, but you may.
News Hound
TV filled her life.
Katie bore a news hound’s heart.
She craved news for lunch
after breakfasting on smart
trendy Good Morning chit chat.
Finally her dream
to anchor the nightly news
came wrapped in big bucks.
Katie’d paid her chit chat dues.
Red carpet Second-Coming.
Katie dropped her perk.
She scowled, she growled, she pouted.
All to look so grim.
News must be direly touted
and people don’t want no perk.
News requires grit.
No smiles, no effervescence.
It’s about bad stuff.
You’d better not look pleasant.
But poor Katie’s smile escaped.
White teeth glinted through
with perky disposition.
Katie cracked a smile
with happy composition
looking poorly out of place.
Alas, Kate’s smile cut
like shiny, just bought white shoes.
Blinding glaring teeth.
People screamed, “Turn off the news!”
Poor Kate had no gravitas.
Copyright 2006 JO Janoski
